In 2024, “self-care” is a massive industry. Walk down any magazine aisle and you’ll see front pages advertising self-care tips. Dip your toe into the wellness world and influencers will tell you about their latest self-care routine. Whether you hear about it from morning show hosts or podcasters, in our modern moment self-care has a currency, and in some ways that currency is concrete: regardless of the platform, usually, somebody would like to sell you something.

Unfortunately, the brand of self-care that’s being shown most widely is also fundamentally… not self-care. Instead of helping people feel better, it leaves them wanting more.

So what actually is self-care? 

“I know I shouldn’t but….”

The widely advertised model of self-care says that taking care of yourself is really anything that makes you feel temporarily better, but most often it’s a subtle nudge to indulge. Have you been stressed lately? Well then, it’s okay to have that cheesecake for dinner because, hey, it’s self-care. Are things out of control at work? Then why not enjoy a little impulse shopping to blow off some steam. Does family drama have you down? Then give yourself a free pass to go hard at that bag of edibles so you can tune out your feelings for a bit. Essentially, this model says “you know you shouldn’t do this, but it’ll feel good for a moment, so treat yourself. You deserve it.”

By also framing self-care as a purely noble act, this model argues that anything you do as self-care is unimpeachable. If a friend expresses concern about how much you’ve been drinking, you have a get-out-of-jail-free card: going out to a few cocktails is your self-care. If somebody questions how much you’ve been spending on sneakers, you can wave them off with, “I’m just taking care of myself right now.” But most importantly, it can be used to keep you from questioning your own actions. You don’t need to consider what you’re doing. You don’t need to ask if it’s actually helpful. You don’t need to wonder if it’s a good idea, because “it’s my self-care.”

Missing the Point

Unfortunately, when we try to self-soothe in this way, we actually miss out on genuinely caring for ourselves. If we don’t take the time to understand what’s happening within us (The Self), we can’t address what we actually need (The Care). These types of actions may make us feel better temporarily, but it’s like eating junk food when we’re stranded on a desert island. It may feel good briefly, but because it doesn’t actually nourish us it will ultimately leave us simply wanting more. Rather than being self-care, it’s actually a form of self-neglect.

Self-Care 101 – The Self

Put simply, real self-care requires you to look inside yourself. It asks you to connect with what you’re feeling below the surface of things, to go past what’s easy-to-see into the more vulnerable parts of yourself. It’s only by knowing what’s really going on within you that you can address your real needs. 

Maybe you know that you’re incredibly stressed by how much you have on your plate at work and how critical those tasks are. If we ask “why are you so stressed?” the surface answer is easy: you have too much to do and not enough time to do it. That’s valid, but that’s likely not the full emotional story. If you continue applying your curiosity, what would you find? Maybe that you’re not only stressed but that you’re actually quite scared. Or maybe that the situation has you once again feeling alone and unsupported, just like you did in childhood. Or maybe that life – and you yourself – feels out of control.

Self-Care 101 – The Care

Once you’ve attuned to what’s actually happening inside of you, real self-care calls you to respond to those more vulnerable parts of yourself rather than simply reacting to the surface symptoms. Most likely, it will require you to “be with yourself,” rather than to get away from yourself or your feelings. If being with yourself is a struggle, and it is for many, psychotherapy can be helpful.

Usually, our gut reactions to stressful situations mirror what we saw or were taught growing up. If your parents tried to scold your feelings into submission, you’ll be inclined to do the same. If your caregiver tried to use gift-giving to make you feel better, it’s likely you’ll try to change feelings with purchases yourself. As a result, it’s very common for our snap reactions to reflect not what we ourselves need, but instead to show us how other people tried (and perhaps failed) to help us in the past.

Imagine a toddler waking in the middle of the night scared that there’s a monster in the closet. You could bring her a cookie or have her pick a new toy online to distract her. You could ignore her or shout that the monsters aren’t real. None of these reactions would actually meet her where she’s at: she’s feeling terrified. What she would likely need is acknowledgment, an empathic presence, and help regulating or tolerating her powerful feelings. These are all things that as adults we can also work to provide to ourselves, from ourselves.

Practicing Real Self-Care

Because real self-care needs to be attuned to you and what’s really going on inside you in the moment, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to what it should look like as an action, but we do have guidance about what’s important in the process.

Attunement – As we’ve said, the first step is to slow down and reflect on what you’re feeling below the surface. Get in touch with what’s happening inside you below “safe” feelings like anger, stress, or righteousness and into whatever is more vulnerable to feel. Pay attention in particular to tender spots that may have been created by past relationship wounds.

Acknowledgment – When we’ve become aware of what we’re feeling, it’s understandable to want to jump immediately into trying to make our feelings go away, but that can actually be a version of self-neglect. It’s important to take some time to acknowledge the more challenging feelings once you’ve tuned into them. Maybe this involves naming the thoughts and feelings, whether that’s by speaking with yourself, by saying them out loud, or by journaling them. Maybe you do this by sharing them with a trusted friend or family member. However you acknowledge them, make sure that it resonates with you emotionally. You’re not just parroting words. You’re trying to express – to yourself or others – what’s going on in an emotionally connected way. Said another way, how you express yourself should be in sync with what you’re expressing.

Empathic Presence – Hand-in-hand with self-acknowledgement is the importance of being an empathic presence for yourself. This is not just a quick feeling of justification like, “Of course it’s okay I feel this way.” Instead, think of it as more like a conversation with yourself.

Imagine if the parts of you that are overwhelmed or young or scared or stressed or hopeless were sitting on a couch, and the parts of you that can be calm, thoughtful, and supportive were sitting next to them. How would you speak and interact with that vulnerable self? Would you hug them? Put a hand on their shoulder? Say soothing words? Ask what they need from you? It may sound odd at first, but this is the kind of presence you can provide for yourself. This is the practice of offering real care for yourself that is much deeper and richer than the brief dopamine hit of an impulse purchase. As you provide this kind of presence for yourself, you might also want to reach out to people you trust to get that empathic connection from another person as well; the intimacy and acceptance of loving relationships can be deeply soothing.

Regulating – Being an active, empathic presence for yourself or connecting with other people can go a long way toward helping you feel more peaceful, but it might also take more than that to calm down. When figuring out how to help regulate yourself, it’s important that the efforts to feel better address what you’re truly feeling. Just like a doctor wouldn’t recommend chemotherapy for a head cold, the intervention should target the actual issues. Are you feeling isolated? Then maybe connecting with a friend is what’s most helpful. Are you feeling claustrophobic with all that’s being asked of you? Then maybe a quick walk or workout will feel freeing. Is your body feeling wrung out? Perhaps a healthy meal will rejuvenate it. Rather than using the same tactic for every situation, address the specific feelings with specific interventions.

Tolerating – This last aspect of self-care is the one that’s hardest for many of us. Rather than trying to eradicate difficult feelings, it can be helpful to try to bring them to a level that isn’t overwhelming (self-regulation), and then to practice simply tolerating them. This is what therapists are talking about at times when we ask, “Can you sit with that feeling for a moment?”

Just like different people have different sensitivities to physical pain, we all have different capacities to tolerate uncomfortable emotions as well. Some people can experience very strong, very unpleasant feelings and still be okay. Others react to brief discomforts as if they’re under assault. For most people, this capacity is a somewhat fluid thing. But by making a practice of tolerating distressing feelings, we can build our muscle to experience them and still feel equanimous. Instead of asking ourselves not to feel, we can build our resilience so that we’re okay even while enduring some of the most difficult things in life. To be clear, this is not about glorifying toughness or being untouched by adversity. Rather, it’s about developing the ability to experience very strong emotional states while still being grounded and present in our lives.

You’re Worth It

In a culture that promotes buying your way to happiness, many people don’t know what real self-care looks like. It makes sense that we’d want a quick fix when we’re feeling distressed and overwhelmed. Unfortunately, when we try to make our feelings go away by reacting with indulgence or dissociation, we don’t end up practicing self-care, but instead end up neglecting the most needful parts of ourselves. To truly take care of ourselves, we need to tune into our inner workings and acknowledge what we’re really feeling. We need to be an empathic presence to ourselves. And we need to help ourselves regulate and tolerate uncomfortable and unwanted feelings in responsive, healthy ways. 

While this certainly takes more intention and effort, ultimately, it’s an effort on your own behalf. And each time you do it, with each effort you put in, you show yourself something important. You show yourself that you’re willing to work hard for your wellbeing. You show yourself what real care can actually feel like. And you demonstrate, through practice and action, that you are worth it. 

Want to explore real self-care with us? Have Questions? Reach out to us!

Nicholas Hack, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist | Website |  + postsBio

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